53. When using a blender, be careful how far down you stick your stirring instrument (wooden spoon, plastic spoon, metal spoon, etc). I learned this lesson the hard way by adding plastic crunchies to my fruit smoothie.
54. Ninja blender blades will in fact cut you like a ninja...painfully and swiftly. 55. Crockpots look easy, but things will still burn in them. 56. Broiling is done with the oven door open--how cool is that?! 57. The more people give you cookbooks, the more compliments you're getting. I take it as people subtly hinting that they want me to cook things for them because I'm so good in the kitchen. 58. Magic erasers work wonders when you neglect to clean or soak your pans right away. Know, however, that they do have the ability of taking the finish off your baking sheets.
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46. When cooking for a party, always have a backup. Which places can you order food for many people without having to provide 24 hours or more notice? Pizza's a safe bet. And if people complain about having something as unoriginal as pizza, then fasting's a one-of-a-kind solution for them.
47. Pancakes will NOT taste good if you double the amount of water--accidentally or otherwise--the recipe or box calls for. 48. Don't be afraid to kick people out of your kitchen. My mother does this all the time. When you assert "Get out of MY kitchen!" it makes people think you know what you're doing. 49. A hammer is a valid substitute for a food processor. All the famous chefs do this*. 50. Timing, when making a full meal, is a necessary but difficult skill to acquire. This is one of my greatest challenges, so I have no further advice for you here. 51. You have to make some adjustments if you use whole wheat flour instead of all purpose flour..otherwise your cookies will taste goofy. 52. It might look fancy to crack an egg with one hand, but this fanciness is sometimes overshadowed by crunchiness in an omelette if you haven't yet mastered this skill. *This fact has not yet been verified. 39. Vinegar hurts just as much as onions upon contact with your eyes.
40. If your dish rag smells like mold or looks like mold, chances are your dishes aren't getting any cleaner. 41. Handling raw meat is gross. Disinfect your countertops before placing anything else on them. 42. Even if you hate cooking as much as I do, refrain from sighing when handling ingredients like flour, sugar, baking soda, etc. 43. When possible, check off or set aside ingredients after adding them to keep track of what you've added. 44. If you use a different pan size than the one the recipe ordered you to use, you'll probably have to adjust cooking times. I can't help you any more than that. 45. I recommend cleaning out your fridge at least once a year. Food will not grow legs and throw itself away, but it will grow other things not as cute as little edible legs. 32. For some like me, cooking recommends a certain attire- if you don't have an apron, follow the same guidelines for 'Painting clothes'.
32b. If you don't have clothes you're okay with dirtying, saran wrap provides an acceptable shield. 33. Be prepared to treat burns. For third degree burns, leave it alone and go to the hospital. For first or second degree burns, run or soak the burn in COOL water (NOT warm and NO ice) for 30 minutes (this time frame is preferred, but assuming you're still cooking, this seems unreasonable. But do try to keep a cool, wet rag on the area after you remove the burned area from water). Also, do NOT put butter, mayonnaise, or any other oily kitchen crap on it- this will only trap the heat in your skin, worsening the burn. After the burn has cooled, loosely wrap gauze around it. Note: This only covers immediate care- Google help after this. Also, for burns on the face or those that are larger than 2.5-3 inches, pay your doc a visit. 34. Take the time to learn when serrated and non-serrated knives are best used. I can say no more, as I'm not entirely sure yet myself. 35. Melting chocolate is an art. Remember: slow and steady wins the race. 36. If nothing you bake comes out right, don't worry yet- it may be that your oven is lying to you. Figure out if your oven is the temperature it says it is. I have no idea how to do this, but I'm sure Googling "oven calibration" or something could yield some how-to's. 37. Take the necessary steps to defrost meat before cooking (unless you have instructions accounting for this lack of foresight). Tossing a frozen brick of chicken into a frying pan makes cooking less fun than it already is. 38. If your milk seems to be spoiling before the expiration date, check the temperature of your refrigerator while singing milk's favorite lyrics dairy loudly: "What's cooler than being cool? Ice cold!" Alright, alright, that was a weak joke..as if I wasn't enough of an OutKast already.. 28. When hand washing a cheese grater, use a sponge you're okay with destroying.
29. When microwaving something over 1 or 2 minutes, use an oven mitt, unless you no longer want fingerprints. 30. Check and double check teaspoon vs Tablespoon..baking soda is usually added by the teaspoon. 30b. When you neglect to double check this and add a Tbsp. instead of a tsp., good luck in fixing it..especially when you've already added cups of sugar over it. My suggestion: eyeball it, scoop it out, add what you think should be in there that you just scooped out, and cross your fingers. (This strategy worked for my banana bread yesterday.) 31. When opening cans, take the necessary precautions to avoid getting cut on the razor sharp edges. 24. It is easier to buy chocolate chips rather than make them with Hershey's Kisses and a cheese grater...even if you already have Hershey's Kisses.
25. Buy a good can opener. If this fails, a hammer and screwdriver (flathead, preferably) can do the trick. 26. A fork is an acceptable alternative to a potato masher. 27. When making bread, spray Pam in the pan then cover it with flour..the loaf will literally slide right out. 21. Only keep one recipe out at a time- cooking is not the time nor the place to perfect your 'mix n match' skills.
21b. When adding ingredients, make like Santa and check your list twice. 22. Count your bandaids before and after kneading dough. 23. Never assume that just because something isn't steaming it's not hot. For being so young, I've been told I'm pretty wise. Okay, not exactly in those words, but I think "smartass" can sometimes be synonymous with "wise", right? Anyways, here are my cooking tips for you:
1. Buy frozen meals whenever possible. 2. When cutting onions, wear swimming goggles to keep from crying. 3. Do NOT rub your eyes after cutting onions. 4. Don't say, "EVOO"; it makes you sound really annoying. 5. Cut your fingernails prior to grating cheese. 6. Don't start out assuming you can cut veggies as fast as the chefs on tv. If you've already made this mistake, or still plan on trying, stock up your first aid kit and have extra veggies available for someone else to take over. 7. Invest in a strainer- boiling water will, in fact, penetrate an oven mitt. 8. When baking things for long periods of time, set a timer- don't count on yourself to remember in three hours (or even just 20 mins) that you're cooking something. 9. Keep a folder or piece of cardboard handy to waft fresh air into the smoke alarm, tricking it into thinking you're a good cook. 10. Don't be afraid to ask for help: the more people to help, the more people you have to blame when it tastes terrible. 10b. If it actually tastes good, make sure to take credit when your helper chefs are out of earshot. 11. When having guests over, light some sugar cookie scented candles a few hours in advance so they'll think you baked cookies instead of bought them. 12. Know how to handle a grease fire in advance (tips: DO NOT pour water on it!!; smother it with a pan lid; pour tons of baking soda on it; use a dry chemical fire extinguisher; evacuate; call 911; stop, drop, and roll; etc.) 13. When using a blender, make absolutely sure the top is securely fastened. 14. Don't substitute salt for sugar just because they look alike. 15. Similarly, don't substitute baking soda (without compensating) for baking powder just because they sound alike. 16. I don't care what the expiration date says, if there are chunks in your milk, throw it out immediately. 17. It is NOT normal for an electric stovetop to be accompanied by fire. 18. Order does matter in recipes. 19. Do NOT microwave food covered in aluminum foil. 20. Do NOT heat food covered in saran wrap in the oven. |